Never Me
by Naisumi
Summary: Heh more insanity from me ^-^ Surprisingly, no slash O.o At least, I don't think so. Introducing: INSANE...person! And...Yeah! Er...that is, read it!...please?


Title: Never Me 

Author: Naisumi 

Rating: PG-13/R 

Pairings: 

Disclaimer: You've _got_ to be kidding...^.~ 

Archive: If you want, but could you tell me at least? 

Warnings: Dude. Insanity. lol Okay, I was in the middle of doing my EVIL Chemistry project, when I was struck by inspiration. Instead of savin' up lead for my "inner pencil" (haha...coined by Sheendo ^.~) to write original stuff in honor of NaNoWriMo, I decided to go ahead and crank out a piece of crap for mah friends in the Evo section of the crowd. I don't know about you guys, but I haven't liked almost _any_ of the fics that have come out lately...but that's beside the point. So I will now continue my grand tradition of suckiness ^-^; Hope you like it! 

  
Notes: This is in 1st person p.o.v. (meaning you get to read it from the 'I' point of view) and degenerates into real fun oddities in the middle. Many tense changes galore because of literal insanity, and odd third-person speakage. This fic is not betad, and was written in lieu of some serious brain friedness. ^-^; Have fun! 

  


Enjoy, and please give me C&C!!! 

  


"blah." People speak 

-- uh...scene switch 

  
  


-- 

  
  


I held onto the snowglobe, tipped it upside down. Flakes of bright white filled my eyes like the fluttering feathers of a dying dove. Righting the domed trinket I watched the miniature landscape inside it vanish under a coverlet of dotted ivory, engulfed by the rapidly swirling glitter and whiteness. It glimmers, the surface of the globe--shines and glows and gleams like the blade of a razor. I wonder why that is--why such an innocuous object mirrored one of destruction. I hated razors...hated how they offered relief at the price of pain and worry and caustic thoughts. Hated how they made people depend on them. Hated how they sliced through my skin, my sanity, my scarred weary heart. 

I wondered about that--wondered about why I bothered to keep doing it. I wonder about a lot of things these days. I sit, and I wonder, and I think about the world. I remember razor blades and cherry lips and gentle kisses, hurting bites. I remember people listening and ignoring, I remember being discarded then resuscitated then thrown into the icy swirls of glacial water. I remember and I remember and I remember. 

Then I forget. 

They came to visit me the other day, but I don't think they'll be coming back again. I don't know why they do. I don't know why they come and see me and talk and talk and talk. But it doesn't matter. I don't mind if they talk. I don't care if they talk. I don't hear what they say. 

Razor blades--I remember now that I was thinking about them. Razor blades. They slip through human flesh like invisible slicing strings, the ones that puppeteers use to jerk their mannequins about the stage. I remember those. Razor blades. I remember their molten heat, singing through my veins--I remember being jolted around like a useless thing. Razor blades. Maybe I had hoped to cut my strings. I don't really remember. Maybe I just did it because it felt good. I don't really care. 

It doesn't matter, this throbbing in the cavity of my chest. It doesn't matter, really, that I'm sitting here in this room. It doesn't matter that I exist right now because I know the truth--I know that they're all going to turn to dust. They're going to die and rot and blow away in the wind, and I'll just be here. I'll just be here, and I won't. Because these walls protect me. They protect me and they save me and they fucking chain me up. I hate these walls. I hate this world. I hate myself and I hate them for putting me here. 

Sometimes I don't remember who they are, then they say my name and they pull me out of that world. Forgetfulness...such a pleasant realm. I wish I could stay there for the rest of my life, not really remembering anything or anyone. But they wouldn't let me--no, see, they'd never let me; we're 'family.' 

Family...family...family. Do I have a sibling? Two? Maybe three? Maybe I have a mother. Yes, of course--a mother and a little sister. I'm a girl now--yes, that's it. I'm not a boy--don't need to be. You need to be a boy to be a leader, teddy bear. Maybe we can be in colonial times--yes, it's early, so early. We're pretending now--let's pretend that no one will listen to me because I'm a girl. Yes, let's pretend. Let's pretend that I don't need to lead anyone or anything because that's just it--I have a family, I'm a girl, I'm useless and worthless and stupid. Two sugars or one, teddy bear? Let's hold a tea party. Let's hold a tea party with little sister, with what's her name? Mary. I'll call her Mary. Of course, that's it--Mary, Mary, Mary. 

The tea's so red--whyever is that? I wonder, I wonder. Maybe the stars tipped strawberry juice into it and dyed it red. Maybe it's blood. Ah, silly me. I forget. Maybe I'll go sit in the time-out corner. Yes, that's it. I've been a bad girl. Or am I me? I'm me again...I'm me and I'm running away. 

But I'm not a girl--you're not a teddy bear. You're a fucking snowglobe with people trapped inside. I hate you; I hate you for keeping them there. They don't want to be there, you know. They want to get out. They want to leave. He wants happiness, and he wants to be loved. He doesn't want to be there anymore. Scott doesn't want this. Scott doesn't want to be here. Scott hates you he hates you i hate you and we all hate you. That's me. I'm me. Did you know that? I'm me and you can't change that. Stop changing me. 

Let's have a tea party. I see now. It is red. It is red just like those flowers. Poinsettias. Aren't they poisonous? Poison, poison, poison. I watched a movie about poison. Sweet poison. Was that what it was called? No, I fancy not, teddy bear. I fancy not. 

I remember reading a book about fish once. 

One fish, two fish--red fish, blue fish. 

Do you remember that? 

No, I suppose you don't. 

Let me out...I want to get out... 

Let me out, or I'll start screaming again. 

Teddy bear, stop stop stop 

I don't want to take medicine 

I don't want to be here 

Teddy bear--why are you hurting me? 

I'm not crazy not crazy not crazy 

I'm not here! You can't see me! You can't see me because I'm inside myself! No, I'm not me! I'm not you or me or Scott! I'm myself! I'm inside and I'm hiding from you and you can't hurt me! These walls will protect me! Me, me, me! Not you! Not this person who's on the outside. 

Go away 

Leave me alone 

Go away and never come back 

Or I'll scratch these walls with my hands 

My hands aren't tied 

No, they aren't 

You can't tell me they are 

You can't tell me anything 

I'll destroy these padded walls 

Look, they're stained red 

Red red red 

Like the tea 

Oh, is the tea blood? Is it strawberry juice? 

Maybe it's my eyes. 

No, it's not me. It's not me. I'm not the crazy one, all you are. 

I'm not the one who's wrong--everything's red by itself 

It's not my fault 

Not my fault 

Not me 

Never me 

You can't tell me it is 

Because it's not me 

It's not ever me 

Go away 

I'll scratch out my eyes 

I swear I will 

I swear I will 

But then you'll be all alone, teddy bear 

Won't you? 

Throw this away--set those little people free--shatter, snowglobe, shatter. Look, there's water now. Isn't this grand? Like having a tiny river in our pretty, pretty white house. Our pretty, pretty white house with pretty padded walls. 

Water, water--why is it red? Is this house bleeding? Poor, hurt house, I'll kiss it better. 

Get me away from here I'm screaming now! I swear I am! I'm screaming, screaming--can't you hear me? Stop running to the door! Get away! Take off these terrible glasses--they make me see blood! They make me see you! Go away go away 

It's not my fault everything's so red, red, red 

Like the tea and the snow and the terrible terrible darkness 

Get away 

It's not my fault not my fault 

And you can't tell me it is 

Because you're the crazy one 

You all...you're the crazy ones. 

I'm not. I'm sane. I'm me. 

You can't tell me I'm not. 

Because 

It's never me. 

~fin~ 

  
  



End file.
